Nothing. I'm feeling nothing.

There are people in your life that you feel like you'll never be able to seperate yourself from. You've gotten so lost in them that you doubt there will ever be a day when you can wake up without thinking of them or look at them without that feeling in your chest or picture yourself spending life without them. You tell yourself that no matter how much they hurt you now, one day they will realize that you're meant for each other.

And you realize that you've got to move on. Maybe you convince yourself to leave it alone because absence makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe that person will realize what a hole you've left in their life. So you back out slowly. The time together dwindles. The phone calls slow. The texts disappear.

You realize that person isn't running after you. And you hurt. You hurt so badly. And you're angry, furious, at them for making you hurt and at yourself for not wearing armor. But somewhere there is this hope that won't die, this hope that you beg to let you sleep at night, this hope that they'll change their mind.

And the years go by.

Days start to appear where you wake up thinking of breakfast or of that party tonight instead of that person. Then those days start to out number the other days.

You see their name on the screen of your phone and notice that you don't feel that floating in your chest. That day, you press ignore because something else is more important.

You start to see a new life for yourself, and they aren't in it. And one day when you think about it, they haven't left some gaping hole.

And then one day, one glorious day, you see them. You look at their shoes that you once found charming, their gesture that once made you happy, their smile that once made you walk on air. You make eye contact with those eyes that once made you weak at the knees, but now, you feel... nothing. You don't feel that dreaded hope, you don't feel angry, you don't feel disgust even. You feel nothing. This is just another face in the crowd of your past. And when you feel that strange nothingness and realize what it is, you feel happy, maybe happier than they were ever able to make you feel, because you know that no matter what they do to you now, they will never make you hurt again.

Someone asked me, "Do you ask yourself why you ever liked him? That's how you know you're really over him."

I disagree. I know why I let him hurt me. In my head, I completely understand what about him made me let down my guard. And I don't regret that I did. I've learned from it.

If anyone is out there hurting like I did, there's hope. And that day when you feel that great nothingness is glorious. It's so glorious. I wish that same feeling for you.

Do You Have a Boyfriend?

So I've been noticing for the past few years that there seems to be a set of socially acceptable questions to ask people that you don't know very well and/or haven't seen in a long time. These questions vary with the age of the person being asked. Of course, I can only attest to the questions for ages that I've already been. I'm sure this trend continues through life, but I'm not sure about what you get asked past the age of 20.

When you're a toddler, you get, "What's your name?" "How old are you?" With the potential of a correct answer or being stared at blankly.

When you're in elementary school, you get things like, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "What's your favorite color?" By now, they're expecting your answer to be something coherent. As many of my friends my age still can't answer the first question, I don't quite know why they think you'll know when you're seven.

When you're in junior high, people typically just try to avoid you.

When you're in early high school, you get, "What grade are you in? What's your favorite subject? Do you play a sport?" By now, they're hoping for you to be the kid next door. They want ma'ams and sirs and they want you to be a cheerleader or quarterback. If you're not, awkward silence will ensue.

When you're a junior or senior in high school, you get A LOT of "Where are you going to college?" "What are you going to major in?" These questions get old fast if you don't know the answer yet, but once you've made a decision, it's more bearable.

However old these senior in high school questions get, they never got me quite as irritated as what I find the main question for my age range now is. Of course, I also get, "What are you majoring in?" "How do you like school?" "What are your after college plans?" (I think I'll get that one a lot more in the future) But the one that always gets me is, "Do you have a boyfriend?" Let me tell you that at least 80% of the people I come in contact with that don't know me well ask me this question. Why do they feel it so necessary to ask this? Do they think that life is like a video game that I've already completed all of the levels of thus far and marriage is the next level? It seems to me that it's kind of a dangerous question. Of course, they're expecting me to say, "Why, yes, I do!" But what if my answer was, "No, we just broke up, he's a jerk." Awkward. Or, "Well, I think I do, but he has been ignoring my calls for the past month and I got something in the mail about a restraining order." Awkarder. Or my answer, "No..." Awkwardest. Because then you've hit a conversational dead end. I need some kind of witty answer. Or some kind of retort that makes them feel like a jerk for asking. All I feel like saying is, "No, I haven't had a boyfriend for over three years. Thanks for rubbing it in. You've really helped me remember that I'm inferior as a human being for being single and have successfully reminded me that I'll probably be single and lonely for the rest of my life. Thanks."

But maybe that's a little too harsh. I'll keep working on a response. In the mean time, I'll stick with, "No..."

Lucky

So my mom and I have been looking at furniture for my apartment for next year (yay!) and found some really great stuff at a certain store in Little Rock. We spent a lot of time there last night, my dad and I went back to look today, and then we went and made the purchase and decisions this evening on a new bed and couch. We also got new mattresses for both of the beds at my house as we've had the same mattresses for a ridiculously long time and they're horribly uncomfortable. Anyway, big splurge, but well worth it.

But that isn't really the point of the story. The woman who sold us the furniture and has been working with us for the past two days is named Chase. She's 26 and really awesome. I liked her from the start and she was very helpful and real with us. As we were entering our final choices in the computer this evening, she ended up telling my mom and I her story. I'll give you the short version. When she was nine, her dad (one of the richest men in Jordan in the middle East) kidnapped her and her two sisters and took them to Jordan with him. After being abused, raped, and treated horribly because of her gender for her whole life, she ran away with her young daughter to Arkansas and changed her name and dyed her hair to escape her father and husband. She has an incredible story and she's so brave for all that she's survived. They say that everyone has a story, and they really mean it.

Hearing about surviving such incredible things really put my problems in perspective. My worries about shopping for an apartment or writing papers for finals really seems so petty. I have been so lucky in my life. I have two parents that love me and do their best to provide me with things to make my life comfortable. Although we've had a few months where we get a little nervous about paying the bills, we've never had to worry about where our next meal is going to come from. I'm fortunate enough to have a full scholarship and room and board at a good college. I have parents that support my choice to major in musical theater. I have incredible friends that I know I can call when I'm in trouble. I've never had any major health problems. Honestly, I've led a blessed life, and I'm so grateful for how lucky I have been. And I know that one day, I'll have to deal with problems that right now I feel like I could never face. But I'm so glad that I ran across Chase. It's nice to be reminded of everything I have to be thankful for and to meet someone that I could learn so much from.

Plus she was really good at designing furniture. She single-handedly decorated her father's palace in Jordan when she was fifteen. Pretty badass.

Mothers Day

I have the best mom in the world. I mean, after reading a billion facebook statuses (stati?) claiming the same thing, I know not everyone would agree, so I'll just cut the debate and say I have the best mom in the world for ME.

My mom has always been my best friend and she's always been the first person I call when I have great news or got myself into trouble or just want to talk to someone. Of course I've gotten snappy with my mom on occasion (and vice versa) but for the most part, I've always gotten along with mom. I never understood how my friends could get in such fights with their mothers when I was growing up, but in retrospect, I think I understand why we have always been so close. When I was about 10 or 11, I almost lost my mom to heart disease. After those hard few years, I've always been very appreciative of the time I have with my mom. I've been so lucky to have her here as I've grown up, and I hope she's around for a lot longer.

I'm getting to the part in my life where I really have to start evaluating where I want to go. A lot of my friends talk about wanting to start families. I'm not really sure what I want. I'm sure if I met the right guy at the right time, I would love to be a mom. And I really want to give my mom a chance to be a grandmother, because I know she would be the best grandmother on earth!

Mom is one of the most loving and caring people I've ever met. She's always been a second mom to my friends that need a little extra love and support. From saving my friends whose parents are dieting and keeping junkfood out of the house to saving my friends going through tough personal problems they don't feel like they can tell their own parents about to being a mom to my friends in college that have been away from home for a while, my mom has never only had one child. I can only hope to one day be a woman half as incredible as she is.

Love you, mom!

Hm.

I was hesitant to start this blog because I felt I had nothing of interest to add to the world wide web.

I find now that I think I was right.

But I'm now officially done with sophomore year. I'm halfway done with college. My car is loaded up and after one more night in T-Town, I'm headed home. I think having some me time will help me find some inspiration.

Don't give up on me yet! I'll get back to you.