Oops.

Well, I suck at updating this blog.

BUT.

I've kind of sort of a little bit tried to start an internet business to support my baking addiction. It's called, get this:

TiramiSusie's.

Isn't that just so cute you can't stand it?

Anyway, I made a blog for that, which is getting updated more regularly. I'm posting pictures of things that I bake, along with prices.

IT'S. AWESOME.

I also made a facebook page. Check it out, yo.


http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/pages/TiramiSusies/173856012668777

Soooo if you want to see me actually blogging sometimes, along with pictures guaranteed to make you hungry, check out my new blog.

http://tiramisusies.blogspot.com/

OR my official website, which is still kind of in the works.

http://tiramisusies.weebly.com/

Soooo. Yeah. Do that. I may eventually feel there is something about my life that I need to write about on here, but otherwise, I kind of forget about it most of the time.

:/

Love you guys!

Susie

Cold. Cold. Cold.

I HATE WINTER.

Yeah, I said it. I'm over this whole cold thing. I'm doing my best to go into hibernation as often as possible, only leaving my apartment when I absolutely have to.

The one thing I do like about winter is New Years. It's my favorite holiday. I like the feeling of having a fresh start. I like looking back on the year that has passed and thinking about the year to come. I like remembering where I was on New Year's Eve the year before, and imagining where I'll be the next year.

A lot of unexpected changes have happened since last New Years. I've got a new major and, frankly, much less of an idea of what I want to do with my life. But I've got a better understanding of myself. And for the first time, I was excited to go back to Tulsa. I didn't wait until the last minute and dread moving back. It's not that I didn't want to be home. Home is great. But now Tulsa feels like home too. Does that mean I'm growing up?

Anyway, a new semester comes with a lot of new adjustments. I'm falling into a new schedule and meeting new professors. It's going to be a really difficult semester, but I'm up for the challenge.

I haven't updated in a while, and I have an explanation. But I don't feel obligated to share it. Just know that I'm feeling pretty good. I'm surprised by the twists and turns my life has been taking, but I'm pleased with them.

As long as I can cuddle up with a warm blanket, life is good.

I'm Thankful For...

marshmallows
warm socks
America's Next Top Model reruns
a large kitchen
comfy beds
libraries
chubby babies
the color blue
pianos
Harry Potter
coffee ice cream
Ellen Degeneres
scarves and hats
Bud Light Lime
Sharpie pens
really cool parents
really cool friends
good times with really cool parents and really good friends

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I'm having one of those days were I keep having vague memories and I can't remember whether or not they happened.

It's those little pieces of dream that keep floating into my mind. And for a moment, I think it was real and glorious and then I realize it wasn't. It didn't happen at all. And then I have to sort through truth and dreams.

That's so weird, that your brain can do that. I'm so interested in dreams. What do they mean? What are they, really? I'm one of those people that tries to interpret dreams. I don't know how, but I feel like they're so tied to your brain that they MUST mean something.

When I was a kid, I used to worry that my entire life had been a dream and I would wake up one day as a baby with my whole life still in front of me. I guess that's a strange concern for an elementary schooler.

I can't really blame my brain that much for getting confused. If I woke up and realized that the past month or so had been a dream, I wouldn't be surprised. Things have been too bizarre, and often too good, to be true. But if I AM dreaming, please, let me sleep a few more minutes. It's such a good dream.

Monday so soon?

Homework everywhere! I'm drowning in it, but all I want to do is sit in some artsy coffee shop and think. I love thinking, but I like doing it on my own terms instead of on a professor's terms.

Well, if I can't sit around in coffee shops avoiding homework, at least I can bake! Seriously. It sounds silly, but I think being addicted to baking is just as bad as drugs. It's so satisfying. When everything comes out right, it's wonderfully rewarding.

I made an orange cake! It was pretty.

Ok, so maybe I need a new hobby.

A week in review.

Monday: One thumb up.
Tuesday: Three thumbs down.
Wednesday: Awkard sideways thumb.
Thursday: Two thumbs up.
Friday: Two thumbs up.
Saturday: Four or five thumbs up.
Sunday: To be determined.

What does that add up to? At least six or seven thumbs up. Try and get me down, Tuesday. That's right! You can't!

Better than what?

Sometimes you wonder what would have happened if you had made a different decision somewhere down the line.

You picture these scenarios where you did one small thing differently and you're flourishing and happy and beautiful and rich. And you picture these scenarios where you're miserable and your bad choices snowball into a total wreck. And with these scenarios in mind, your life seems kind of mediocre.

Mediocre? Is that good enough? But what about that first scenario where you're so happy and everything is perfect? Why couldn't that have happened? And you're sad because you obviously made the wrong choices. But then again, you didn't end up in that hell-hole of a second scenario. So does that mean you made the right choice?

So many choices. You could go crazy thinking of all of the things you could have done differently. How you could have been better.

But eventually you have to admit that life doesn't have a rewind button, and it's not one of those create-your-own-story books where you can go back and change your mind.

That's something I've had to do. I have to say, "Hey, Susie, you did what you did. It wasn't right and it wasn't wrong because there isn't always a right or wrong. So stop looking back and start dealing with what's in front of you."

And then I take a breath and say, "You're right, self." Well, as right as you can be when there is no right and wrong. So then I say, "You're helpful, self." That's better.

I am where I am because I did what I did. And some hard things came from it. But I dealt with them. And some really great things came from it. And that's fantastic! I love those great things.

With all that said, I'm looking forward, with those great things in my pocket cheering me on and those hard things in my backpack to remind be where I've been. What's next?

:)

I wish I was clever.

I'll work on it.

But in the meantime, what I really want is a puppy.

This one, actually.

Not the one with the sunglasses. The cute little furry one.

I've been feeling a little contemplative/profound lately.



Do you mind?





Thanks, I'll go ahead.

This is quite possibly the most beautiful picture I've ever seen. I don't know why. I can't explain it. But it makes me want to laugh and cry and dance and lay on the ground staring at the sky. It makes me happy and sad and loved and lonely and energetic and exhausted and confident and terrified and so many feelings that I think I might combust, but it makes me think that's okay too.

And I can't find it anywhere! I found it randomly on yahoo images. And I want to buy it and frame it and make it as big as a wall so everyone can see it and make it so small that I can hide it somewhere unexpected so that only I can ever see it.

Sometimes I'm a hardcore realist. I can be so pessimistic about love that I don't believe it exists and I think it can only ruin lives. And sometimes I can be the most hopeless romantic. Cheesy love ballads can make my heart soar.

Why is that? Why is it that people can hold all of those emotions and all of those ideas? Why don't we just explode?

You want to know something random?

Please, indulge me.

I was at a bar on Saturday night and I met a man. This part of the story really means nothing, here's the big part. This man said something that struck me. He said, "You need to stop waiting for life and start experiencing it."

WHOA.

Maybe I was a little smudge drunk, but I'm sober now, and that really is an incredible thing to say. It's an even more incredible thing to do.

Take a second now. Think about it. And then try it sometime. But preferably soon. I'm going to give it a shot.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

It's been a rollercoaster week, I can tell you that.

On Monday, I spent most of the day trying to relax while having all of the homework for the upcoming week keeping my mind restless.

On Tuesday, I survived. Not bad, not bad at all.

On Wednesday, I felt lonely. I don't know why. Sometimes it just hits you, I guess. I dragged myself to my classes much against my will. I dragged myself to dance rehearsal and tried, but my heart wasn't in it. And it showed.

On Thursday, I was hungover with loneliness. I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Was it that the sun had disappeared? By the end of the day, I reclaimed my happiness by taking a break from self-pity and cooking with friends. Friends and cooking are two of my favorite things.

Today, the sun came out to say hello again and so did my optimism. However, my hope for the weekend is pretty low. Rehearsals every day make refreshing my spirit kind of hard.

But I'll pull through.

Let's hope loneliness doesn't come knocking on my door again for a while.

Back to the Grind!

At the end of my quarter-life crisis, I have determined that I most definitely will not pursue a career in theater. I love it. But it's a hobby, and I would be miserable in the world of professional theater.

However, for the time being, I'm remaining a Musical Theater major. It's doubtful that I could complete any major in two years, and my scholarship runs out in two years. So as it is, I think I will finish the degree I've started and then see where the world takes me. I can always go back to school for something different or go to grad school for something different.

The BIG news is that I have (kind of) moved in to my own apartment! Hallelujah! Although I treasure my past three roommates, living with someone and being friends with someone are two entirely different things. I am THRILLED to have an apartment all to myself. I'll tell you, dorm life was NOT for me.

Hopefully, there will soon be pictures of my apartment when it has surpassed its "caught in a tornado" stage and reached its beautiful stage. We shall see!

Love.

Quarter Life Crisis?

I'll tell you what's scary, and that's not knowing what you want to do with your life.

Especially when you thought you know and never thought you would give it a second thought.

So now I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do next year:
Finish my theater degree at TU?
Change majors but stay at TU?
Change majors and transfer?
Go to culinary school?
Take a semester off to figure it out?

And then after that, I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life:
Theater?
Psychology?
English?
Cooking?
Law?

On one hand, it's great to have so many choices. It's great that I'm not trapped doing something I hate with no way out. But on the other hand, it makes it that much harder to choose.

And it's scary when you realize, WHOA. I'm an adult. My parents can't make my choices for me anymore. What. Am. I. Going. To. Do.

Doubt

Since I was ten, I have never doubted what I wanted to do with my life. I want to do theater. I want to perform on the stage. I want to move to New York and be on Broadway.

But for the first time in ten years, I'm having doubts. I once read a quote by Michael Shurtleff that said something along the lines of, theater is only for the certifiably insane. If you can be happy doing something else, by all means, do it, because it's a hard life. I've known that. I've accepted it. I've always said that I would be miserable unless I did theater.

But after the hardest school year of my life, I got really burned out on theater. I can't listen to any showtunes without getting irritated. I have very little drive to do any theater. I've spent a lot of the summer volunteering at a hospital in town and I've been very happy doing it. I know I couldn't be in the medical field like both of my parents are because I'm not a science person. I would be miserable in those classes. But the work I'm doing is more of paperwork and dealing with people. I feel like I'm helping people, and that makes me really happy. I feel like I'm doing something for someone else, which is a feeling I don't always get from performing.

It makes me wonder. There probably ARE a lot of things I could be happy doing. I love studying psychology. I love reading and enjoy writing. I love helping people. I love cooking. But I have a full scholarship for four years. I'm almost done with classes for my theater degree. If I changed my major now, there is no way I could finish in two more years. And I can't afford to stay longer.

So I can only satisfy myself now by being relieved that I chose a BA degree instead of a conservatory program and hope that the theater program I start on Sunday reminds me why I used to love theater so much.

Here's hoping.

Harry Potter World

So I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I also went to Disney World, and that was awesome, but I can't talk enough about Harry Potter.

I walked in the gate to Hogsmeade as a tuft of steam issued from the Hogwarts Express and the Harry Potter music being played swelled to a climax. The moment was perfect, and Hogsmeade was just as I had imagined it. I started crying. Everyone there looked at me like I was crazy, but the experience was unreal! You can laugh at me if you want, but if you're a Harry Potter fan, you understand. For eleven years I have wished and dreamed that Hogwarts really existed. I would say that Harry Potter defines my generation. We are the kids that spent their eleventh birthdays looking out the window for their owl with a letter from Dumbledore accepting them into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We are the generation that waited in three hour lines to buy the next Harry Potter book when it came out at midnight. We are the generation that locked themselves in their rooms until they finished the book so no one could ruin it for them. I walked onto that street and all of these fantasies were realities.

I had a butterbeer in the Hog's Head pub with some friends. I rode a dragon. I bought a chocolate frog in Honeyduke's. I looked at Extendable Ears in Zonko's Joke Shop. I bowed to a hippogriff. I walked by Hagrid's Hut. I toured Hogwarts and saw Dumbledore's office, the Defense Against the Dark Arts room, the Herbology Wing, and Gryffindor common room. I played Quidditch. I got attacked by a dragon, dementors, and the Whomping Willow. I ate lunch in the Three Broomsticks. I saw a wand choose a wizard. I looked at robes for sale in Dervish and Banges. I met the conductor of the Hogwarts Express. I saw the Goblet of Fire, Hermione's dress for the Yule Ball, and the Triwizard Cup. It was the most perfect day I could have imagined.

Maybe it's silly that in twenty years, the best day I've ever had involved living in the world of Harry Potter, but I've never been so happy in my life as I was walking through Hogsmeade. No one can ever tell me again that magic isn't real.

Looking Back

Last night I did some cleaning. I found some old diaries in my room from junior high. It's amazing how things change, and how some things don't. Some of the things I read surprised me. It's amazing how events can seem so earth shattering at the time but can be completely forgotten seven years down the road.

I'm not one to reminisce happily over that kind of thing for long. I read them once and threw them away.

Makes me wonder. Will I look at my journals that I write in now with embarrasment a few years from now? Will I throw them away too?

Nothing. I'm feeling nothing.

There are people in your life that you feel like you'll never be able to seperate yourself from. You've gotten so lost in them that you doubt there will ever be a day when you can wake up without thinking of them or look at them without that feeling in your chest or picture yourself spending life without them. You tell yourself that no matter how much they hurt you now, one day they will realize that you're meant for each other.

And you realize that you've got to move on. Maybe you convince yourself to leave it alone because absence makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe that person will realize what a hole you've left in their life. So you back out slowly. The time together dwindles. The phone calls slow. The texts disappear.

You realize that person isn't running after you. And you hurt. You hurt so badly. And you're angry, furious, at them for making you hurt and at yourself for not wearing armor. But somewhere there is this hope that won't die, this hope that you beg to let you sleep at night, this hope that they'll change their mind.

And the years go by.

Days start to appear where you wake up thinking of breakfast or of that party tonight instead of that person. Then those days start to out number the other days.

You see their name on the screen of your phone and notice that you don't feel that floating in your chest. That day, you press ignore because something else is more important.

You start to see a new life for yourself, and they aren't in it. And one day when you think about it, they haven't left some gaping hole.

And then one day, one glorious day, you see them. You look at their shoes that you once found charming, their gesture that once made you happy, their smile that once made you walk on air. You make eye contact with those eyes that once made you weak at the knees, but now, you feel... nothing. You don't feel that dreaded hope, you don't feel angry, you don't feel disgust even. You feel nothing. This is just another face in the crowd of your past. And when you feel that strange nothingness and realize what it is, you feel happy, maybe happier than they were ever able to make you feel, because you know that no matter what they do to you now, they will never make you hurt again.

Someone asked me, "Do you ask yourself why you ever liked him? That's how you know you're really over him."

I disagree. I know why I let him hurt me. In my head, I completely understand what about him made me let down my guard. And I don't regret that I did. I've learned from it.

If anyone is out there hurting like I did, there's hope. And that day when you feel that great nothingness is glorious. It's so glorious. I wish that same feeling for you.

Do You Have a Boyfriend?

So I've been noticing for the past few years that there seems to be a set of socially acceptable questions to ask people that you don't know very well and/or haven't seen in a long time. These questions vary with the age of the person being asked. Of course, I can only attest to the questions for ages that I've already been. I'm sure this trend continues through life, but I'm not sure about what you get asked past the age of 20.

When you're a toddler, you get, "What's your name?" "How old are you?" With the potential of a correct answer or being stared at blankly.

When you're in elementary school, you get things like, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" "What's your favorite color?" By now, they're expecting your answer to be something coherent. As many of my friends my age still can't answer the first question, I don't quite know why they think you'll know when you're seven.

When you're in junior high, people typically just try to avoid you.

When you're in early high school, you get, "What grade are you in? What's your favorite subject? Do you play a sport?" By now, they're hoping for you to be the kid next door. They want ma'ams and sirs and they want you to be a cheerleader or quarterback. If you're not, awkward silence will ensue.

When you're a junior or senior in high school, you get A LOT of "Where are you going to college?" "What are you going to major in?" These questions get old fast if you don't know the answer yet, but once you've made a decision, it's more bearable.

However old these senior in high school questions get, they never got me quite as irritated as what I find the main question for my age range now is. Of course, I also get, "What are you majoring in?" "How do you like school?" "What are your after college plans?" (I think I'll get that one a lot more in the future) But the one that always gets me is, "Do you have a boyfriend?" Let me tell you that at least 80% of the people I come in contact with that don't know me well ask me this question. Why do they feel it so necessary to ask this? Do they think that life is like a video game that I've already completed all of the levels of thus far and marriage is the next level? It seems to me that it's kind of a dangerous question. Of course, they're expecting me to say, "Why, yes, I do!" But what if my answer was, "No, we just broke up, he's a jerk." Awkward. Or, "Well, I think I do, but he has been ignoring my calls for the past month and I got something in the mail about a restraining order." Awkarder. Or my answer, "No..." Awkwardest. Because then you've hit a conversational dead end. I need some kind of witty answer. Or some kind of retort that makes them feel like a jerk for asking. All I feel like saying is, "No, I haven't had a boyfriend for over three years. Thanks for rubbing it in. You've really helped me remember that I'm inferior as a human being for being single and have successfully reminded me that I'll probably be single and lonely for the rest of my life. Thanks."

But maybe that's a little too harsh. I'll keep working on a response. In the mean time, I'll stick with, "No..."

Lucky

So my mom and I have been looking at furniture for my apartment for next year (yay!) and found some really great stuff at a certain store in Little Rock. We spent a lot of time there last night, my dad and I went back to look today, and then we went and made the purchase and decisions this evening on a new bed and couch. We also got new mattresses for both of the beds at my house as we've had the same mattresses for a ridiculously long time and they're horribly uncomfortable. Anyway, big splurge, but well worth it.

But that isn't really the point of the story. The woman who sold us the furniture and has been working with us for the past two days is named Chase. She's 26 and really awesome. I liked her from the start and she was very helpful and real with us. As we were entering our final choices in the computer this evening, she ended up telling my mom and I her story. I'll give you the short version. When she was nine, her dad (one of the richest men in Jordan in the middle East) kidnapped her and her two sisters and took them to Jordan with him. After being abused, raped, and treated horribly because of her gender for her whole life, she ran away with her young daughter to Arkansas and changed her name and dyed her hair to escape her father and husband. She has an incredible story and she's so brave for all that she's survived. They say that everyone has a story, and they really mean it.

Hearing about surviving such incredible things really put my problems in perspective. My worries about shopping for an apartment or writing papers for finals really seems so petty. I have been so lucky in my life. I have two parents that love me and do their best to provide me with things to make my life comfortable. Although we've had a few months where we get a little nervous about paying the bills, we've never had to worry about where our next meal is going to come from. I'm fortunate enough to have a full scholarship and room and board at a good college. I have parents that support my choice to major in musical theater. I have incredible friends that I know I can call when I'm in trouble. I've never had any major health problems. Honestly, I've led a blessed life, and I'm so grateful for how lucky I have been. And I know that one day, I'll have to deal with problems that right now I feel like I could never face. But I'm so glad that I ran across Chase. It's nice to be reminded of everything I have to be thankful for and to meet someone that I could learn so much from.

Plus she was really good at designing furniture. She single-handedly decorated her father's palace in Jordan when she was fifteen. Pretty badass.

Mothers Day

I have the best mom in the world. I mean, after reading a billion facebook statuses (stati?) claiming the same thing, I know not everyone would agree, so I'll just cut the debate and say I have the best mom in the world for ME.

My mom has always been my best friend and she's always been the first person I call when I have great news or got myself into trouble or just want to talk to someone. Of course I've gotten snappy with my mom on occasion (and vice versa) but for the most part, I've always gotten along with mom. I never understood how my friends could get in such fights with their mothers when I was growing up, but in retrospect, I think I understand why we have always been so close. When I was about 10 or 11, I almost lost my mom to heart disease. After those hard few years, I've always been very appreciative of the time I have with my mom. I've been so lucky to have her here as I've grown up, and I hope she's around for a lot longer.

I'm getting to the part in my life where I really have to start evaluating where I want to go. A lot of my friends talk about wanting to start families. I'm not really sure what I want. I'm sure if I met the right guy at the right time, I would love to be a mom. And I really want to give my mom a chance to be a grandmother, because I know she would be the best grandmother on earth!

Mom is one of the most loving and caring people I've ever met. She's always been a second mom to my friends that need a little extra love and support. From saving my friends whose parents are dieting and keeping junkfood out of the house to saving my friends going through tough personal problems they don't feel like they can tell their own parents about to being a mom to my friends in college that have been away from home for a while, my mom has never only had one child. I can only hope to one day be a woman half as incredible as she is.

Love you, mom!

Hm.

I was hesitant to start this blog because I felt I had nothing of interest to add to the world wide web.

I find now that I think I was right.

But I'm now officially done with sophomore year. I'm halfway done with college. My car is loaded up and after one more night in T-Town, I'm headed home. I think having some me time will help me find some inspiration.

Don't give up on me yet! I'll get back to you.